Saturday, February 17, 2018

I was reflecting on ads and social media.  On facebook (yes I still use it), I noticed the ad targeting a few months back.  I'm sure it had been going on before, but I wasn't really paying attention.  One day I started getting all these baby ads.  Like baby food ads, breastfeeding ads, baby this, baby that, natural birth, blah blah blah.... so I finally got annoyed and thumbed it down, saying it was "not relevant" to me.

Then it started with the infertility and menopause ads.  Oh dear god.  So I thumbed that down as well.  Not relevant!

Then I got ads for the divorce attorneys, Christian counseling services, and bladder prolapse/stress incontinence yoga classes.

Jesus effing christ.  I mean seriously.

The only ads that I've gotten that haven't been somehow objectionable have been a) the ads for boxer briefs which feature a hot 30s-ish man parading around his apartment in them, and b) these bra ads that feature these young woman with abnormally large natural (yes, you can tell) breasts casually/seductively pulling a t-shirt over their bra-clad enormous boobs.  While looking in a mirror.  Somehow I find that ad fascinating.  Strong work, ad makers.  Thumbs. Up.

Otherwise?  Seriously facebook.  There is more to being a 40 year old woman than babies, infertility, divorce, and incontinence.  Screw you.

Pandora has me pegged for a completely different demographic, probably because of the songs I thumb up.  I lean towards indie/dance/pop (i.e. ultra hipster pretentious to top 40), and want to hear the ads I get?  Tampon ads.  Pubic hair laser removal.  Plastic surgery (oh, I'm sorry, "ideal image body sculpting").  I do occasionally get an ad for an infertility doctor who specifically works with lesbian couples in New Jersey, but it's not nearly as common as on facebook. I think Pandora must think I'm 25 or something.  Win!

Part of me thinks this obnoxious ad selection is to convince me to buy Pandora Premium.  I think the fact that they blare the volume 10x whenever a tampon ad plays also may be a ploy to get me to pay for the service.  In any case, IT'S NOT WORKING, PANDORA.  DO YOU HEAR ME??  I HAVE NO SHAME.  YOU HAVE PICKED THE WRONG WOMAN.

Lol.  Well we'll see anyway.

Feeling a bit better today, and presently avoiding work.  I just finished calling my patients from yesterday.  OMG so annoying.  I don't know how you outpatient doctors tolerate office practice, because it is seriously so tedious.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Your life as a resident is probably 60% dependent on who you work with on a given day, 40% what you are actually doing.  From the standpoint of the former, I had two fabulous days, two meh days, and one wretched day this week.  From a work standpoint, OMG this is such a boring rotation.  The nerve blocks are reasonably fun depending on whether your attending is belittling you in front of the patient or (conversely) telling you that you're nailing it.  But the rest of the day is paperwork: all the preops for the next day for all the cases, regardless of whether they are scheduled for a block, and all the follow ups on all the blocks regardless of whether you placed it.  Oh my effing God so boring.

Now might be a good time to point out that I think I would have hated internal medicine even more than I originally thought.  Thank goodness I didn't do that with my life!

But anyway, each day I come home, my mind completely numb from staring at a computer screen all day, my body stiff from sitting.  It's wretched.  And!  Some nurses were really rude today, for no reason whatsoever!  That always makes things extra special awesome.

I also had to take my ITE yesterday after work with said numb brain.  I have no idea how I did but it took me almost twice as long as it did last year.

Of course all this pales in comparison to all the awfulness that has been going on in the US, but that's a topic for... well I generally don't talk about current events here because it's trite and nobody gives a crap what I think anyway.

And I'm sure nobody wants to hear me grouse.

Anyway this weekend:

7:00 get up and exercise
10:00 take dyl to swimming
11:00 groceries and lunch
1-5 work (FML)
5:00 dinner maybe ribs?
8:00 bed

7:00 get up and exercise
9:00 brunch with daughter (she has requested pancakes)
11:00 make paper dolls with daughter
3:00 appointment
5:00 dinner of some variety
8:00 bed

I'm not looking forward to any of it.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

So guys, when your attending (or anyone, really) is having a bad day and it has nothing to do with you, but, they are getting frustrated with *you* because of it, (but conflating that with your performance, barking at you, acting exasperated, and occasionally making cruel comments), how do you maintain your outwardly fake-happy persona so that nobody knows that you seriously hate them?  Now that I'm almost done with residency, I've found that I can identify when this is happening, and.... being able to identify it helps me somewhat, but I still finish up the day feeling like complete garbage. And faking it all day is seriously exhausting.


God I hope that I won't do this when I become an attending.

In other news OMG I had the most heinous nightmares last night.  In one of them my daughter drowned, and in the other, I was in the OR, and the surgeon had a band of visitors who were in the way and would not shut the eff up.  They then proceeded to rearrange the room "to clean it" so that they could see better, obscuring my view of the junior resident who was taking care of the patient.  When I finally saw the monitors, the patient was coding, and I had to yell at them to leave, and they complained that I was rude.  So that was a pretty unpleasant dream.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  At least I have good attendings.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Wherein the day was saved by yoga

I told my husband a week ago that Sunday (yesterday) I was going to have a terrible case of the "itis."  And indeed I did.

The day started off badly.  I slept until 8, when I'd intended to get up by 7.  That meant that I didn't have time to workout by the time we had a scheduled skype talk with our incoming au pair at 9.  And, furthermore, I was scheduled for brunch (see yesterday's post) at 11, which meant I wouldn't really have time after skyping either.

So, I talked with Luca for a bit instead (mostly about how much crap I had to do and my usual career anxieties), and we skyped the au pair (who is awesome, by the way). 

And then the brunch debacle started.  First the plans got changed one way, then another, and then finally I just decided to cancel because honestly, I have to make plans in advance because my life is very full, and while I get that you may have other things come up at the last minute, that doesn't mean I'll be able to accommodate your flakiness.  I mean seriously.  She was changing plans up to the point that I was literally about to head out the door.  Not. OK.

Luca and Dyl then went to Please Touch, and I a) pretty much did the taxes, b) I looked over and circulated a poster I'm presenting at a meeting in March, c) I consolidated some data that we're doing a validation set on, d) I read the orientation documents for my next rotation, e) I did 2 random preops that were not done for some reason, f) I did 10 anesthesia questions, g) wrote a few emails, h) took the dog for a walk, i) and... no that was pretty much it. 

It was then 3:30 or some such and I still hadn't done yoga and Luca and Dyl came home.  I made Luca finish the tax stuff with me since there were a few outstanding issues that required his input.  And I groused.  And my tummy hurt.  And I felt crappy and anxious.  And then Luca decided to take Dyl ice skating and I decided to do some yoga, and by got I got off my ass and just effing did it.  I did one of the "restorative" classes (i.e. mostly stretching and meditation) and guys, it really helped so much.  OMG.  My only regret is that I didn't do it earlier in the day.

I think, I think maybe I will just lie on the couch and read the rest of the evening.  And put Dyl to bed. Since I have to get up at 5 tomorrow (groans). 

I think I really really need and deserve a day where I plan on not doing any work or administrative tasks.  Not sure how that is going to become a reality, but I really think it would help.  Maybe next weekend.  Will have to see. 

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Do you force your spouses to come to informal meetings with your co-workers outside of work (i.e. brunch, casual drinks, dinner)?  I gave up on bringing dragging my husband to these sorts of things ten years ago.  He doesn't have fun, (he also won't fake it, which... is another story), and I feel anxious because he's obviously not having fun, and therefore nobody has fun.  A lot of my colleagues seem to manage to bring their non-medical significant others along to these sorts of things, however, and it seems to be some sort of expectation.

Occasionally, I will find a person I want to be outside-of-work friends with, and I bring him.  However, this NEVER applies to large group settings, or to people I barely know.

Oh and now that we have Dylan?  It's expected that we drag her along as well.  There is NO WAY I am doing that.  Starting intern year, on of the men had a baby who he would bring (along with his wife who did 99% of the baby management at these things) to events that lasted deep into the night.  Everybody would coo over the small child, who miraculously had no stranger anxiety whatsoever.  Apparently, this is what "laid back" and "cool" parents do to their children (and spouses).

Bringing my child would subject me to an entirely new level of mommy-disapproval from people who don't have kids.

  • I would let her play on the iPad.
  • Dylan would refuse to talk to or be touched by anybody but me,.
  • She would need things that would distract me from talking to other people, which they would find boring.  
  • I would spend the majority of the food eating time cutting her food for her and preventing her from accidentally spilling.
  • She would probably whine about something.
Bottom line, I would have to tend to her and wouldn't get to talk to any adults.  Or my husband would watch her and people would make comments to me wondering where my child was.

It's like, they want her to come so they can be the laid back/inclusive friends who LOOOOOOVEEEE kids, but they have no idea what this means.  They just.... expect her to sit, completely inert, at the table, for hours.  I suppose some children are able to do this.  Mine is not, and honestly, I don't think it's particularly important.  

So.  Normally when there's a group thing I want to go to, I just go.  I don't bring my husband or child, and occasionally someone asks where they are and I say, "Oh, it's way past both of their bedtimes."

But recently, I asked someone to brunch, and then she took the liberty of asking a bunch of couples without asking me, and somehow expected me to bring my family as well, though this was never explicitly stated. 

My question is, is there a way for me to gracefully decline to bring my family?  What happens now is, I end up getting anxious and annoyed, and then say something ungraceful like, "Just so you know my husband and daughter are not coming."  Which then prompts suggestions about rescheduling and family time that I (ostensibly) don't want to miss.  And then I say something like, "No.  Brunch is fine.  They are never coming.  It's not fun for them."  Which is the wrong thing.  Obviously.  

How could I handle this better?  And how do I better handle the assertion, "Oh I'm sure you just want to spend time with your family on the weekends."  NO!  NO I DO NOT!  I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ADULTS AND NO KIDS.  THIS DOESN'T MEAN I'M A BAD MOTHER.  GROW UP!  Is what I want to say.  Obviously, that won't fly.


Friday, February 9, 2018

Please pardon the use of the eff word

Supposedly... SUPPOSEDLY 750,000 fans were at the Art Museum for the Eagles parade yesterday.  Some estimates put the crowd at 2,000,000 (Who know if it's true. Who cares?), which is more than Trump had at his inauguration.  Nah nah na boo boo.

Below is a clip of the Eagles fight song.  I don't give a damn about football, but I still like the song.  Maybe for obvious reasons.  Haha.

Today is the last official day of my research month.  WAAAAAHHHHH!!!

And I'm on call tonight.  I'm actually looking forward to it.  It's funny how doing research full time makes me yearn for the "break" of being awake for 25 (or more) hours taking care of patients.

My husband also has a long day.  He got up at 4 this morning to go swimming, and now he's at work (obvi) and then he is going to Dylan's school this evening to coach Lego League.  He gets home about 7 I guess, and then he'll have to walk the dog, prepare dinner, etc.  He was complaining about this to me last night, and I was like, "I hear what you're saying.... but maybe you're complaining about this to the wrong person?"  Lol.  Being a doctor -- particularly a resident -- can sure make someone act like a self involved asshole!  We definitely win at martyrdom, even if at nothing else.

This block was actually pretty productive.  I made a poster for a meeting I'm going to in March, I made significant edits to a manuscript (I was hoping to have this done, but the data re-review is taking longer for the other person to do than expected....), and I wrote a specific aims page that I am excited about.  I also got a considerable amount of anesthesia studying done, and did a bunch of yoga.

Man I wish I had more time to exercise when I was in the OR full time.  I really think it would help me feel better, and consequently be a better doctor.  Because in medicine, EVERYTHING IS FOR THE PATIENTS AT ALL TIMES.  In all aspects of your life such that you can't just work out because it makes YOU feel better.  It has to be for the patients.  Always.

And of course with success comes the inevitable failure.  I won't go into specifics (because it's social media, for Christ's sake -- nothing bad must ever be projected on social media), except to say that the bad is 90% my fault.  God I wish I didn't experience anxiety.  It would be even better not to have feelings at all.

I have a mountainous list of tasks that all need to be completed by August 1st.  OMG the list is so huge.  I also know that it won't all get done.  I am making a conscious effort not to freak out about the sheer volume of work, and to break things down into smaller tasks so that I can feel like I'm getting stuff accomplished.  Thinking about the big picture is necessary, but also incredibly overwhelming and paralyzing.  It is hard.  I only have one research month left, and a fuck ton to do. 

We got Dylan's report card.  Apparently, Dylan is popular.  She also joins new activities with enthusiasm (after overcoming initial reluctance to try something new).  She is a rule follower.  I have no idea where this child came from, but if I didn't see her emerge from my body myself, I might doubt that she was mine.