Monday, August 17, 2015

Was trying to come up with a positive way to reframe it when a work colleague/superior tells me to my face that it's better for the kids if the mom stays home with them when they are small.  Two for two out of the last two weeks.

The only one I could come up with is that they think of me as a colleague / doctor / man(?) first, and a mom / wife / woman second.  Or maybe they just feel super comfortable around me.  I'm gonna go with, for now, that it's not because they want to tell me that they disapprove of my lifestyle, but maybe that really is the truth.

Guys, STOP TELLING ME THIS.  It makes me feel judged, and anyway it's not true.  Kids do best when both parents are happy, that's what the research indicates, anyway.

That is all.

8 comments:

Ana said...

well, i just...I can't even imagine how I would react to that. what the actual fuck.

Geoff Brown said...

I wonder if they are just trying to get your goat....

OMDG said...

Doubtful.

m said...

So much for evidence based thinking within medicine. I would ask them for the research that they are drawing from in these conclusions. And maybe point to the myriad of research that suggests otherwise.

sarah (SHU) said...

There was a candidate for chief of our division whose wife was also a physician (and oddly, also a peds endo). He commented to me that she was half time and made that choice "because you spend more time with your children during the ages of 5-18 than the rest of their lives combined." So apparently that applied to his wife and explained her part-time status but did not apply to me? Or to him? Just ugh.

Cuvels said...

I would ask why it needs to be the mom. I have doctor friends whose husbands stay home with the kids, and they all seem happy with the arrangement. Genitals do not determine child-rearing skills!

OMDG said...

Yeah, I don't actually believe that, though. I think paying for childcare is a perfectly acceptable alternative. My husband doesn't stay home. No immediate relatives are helping me in any way. Are you suggesting that I am somehow short hanging my daughter? That is a seriously f-Ed up thing to say yo someone.

xykademiqz said...

I grew up in a country where all the women worked, and if a woman didn't work, people would feel sorry for the husband, because they thought she either could not find work or she was lazy. After more than a decade in the US, I still cannot wrap my head around the stupidity that so many people really believe, that one adult must give up all ambition and years of schooling to care for the kids full time, because it's supposedly somehow awful to be cared for during 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, by wonderful professionals with degrees in early childhood education and a passion for their work. Gimme a fuckin' break.

There is nothing wrong with both parents working. I have three boys, they have always gone to daycare, and they do great; they are happy and socially well adjusted and smart as a whip. I love my job and mine is the dominant income in the family, but no, I am not making my husband drop the job he loves because he earns less and someone "has to stay home with the kids". We both work and share the parenting demands. And my boys won't grow up expecting that their wives stay at home.

Sadly, there are plenty of men who are happy to have the whole family subservient to their needs; it's much easier to be the boss of everyone when you are the only one bringing in money.